An early morning phone call. My dad, calling me in tears telling me to get on a plane right away, something was deeply wrong with my mom.
She’d been working with a Christian Science Practitioner, but it had gotten to a point where it was decided she needed to go to the emergency room.
Days were a blur – visiting her at the hospital and meeting with doctors. Ultimately resulting in her unexpected death. It was a surprise to us all, including her Practitioner. The following months were filled with grief, questions, and confusion.
I had all the symptoms of a deep depression. Brought up in Christian Science, I rebelled walking away from everything I was taught, lashing out in anger and took up drinking excessively in an attempt to dull the pain. Self destruction was my motto..
At the time, my commute was a one hour drive and my mom and I used to use this time to talk nearly every day. With her gone, the pain of this alone time was unbearable and I fell into a cycle of contradiction; praying each morning to God for help only to turn to drinking each night to dull the pain.
One day driving, tears streaming down my face, filled with heartache and grief, I prayed for what felt like the millionth time. When, I heard a very loud, almost like a shout, these very stern words,
“Diahana, you know what to do. You need to stop this behavior NOW!”
God had officially yelled at me.
At that moment I knew it was time to get my act together. To stop the cycle and fully turn to God. Even though my emotional pain felt overwhelming, I realized the only way out of the fog of human sense, the only way I was going to find answers, was to turn away from the pain of mortal sense and choose to trust God.
In Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures by Mary Baker Eddy it reads,
“This is the doctrine of Christian Science: that divine Love cannot be deprived of its manifestation, or object; that joy cannot be turned into sorrow, for sorrow is not the master of joy; that good can never produce evil; that matter can never produce mind nor life result in death.”
p.304:9–14
Clinging to the words, “…joy cannot be turned into sorrow, for sorrow is not the master of joy…” I prayed to heal my heart and to handle any human resistance, animal magnetism or erroneous suggestion that this grief process had to be hard.
Over the next several months I continued with this work. I got to the point where I could recognize and refuse the mortal mind suggestion that I needed to feel depressed, sorrowful, and sad.
Then, one day while deep in prayer, a peaceful calm came over me along with an overwhelming sense and presence of my mom. It was so strong – it was as if she was with me right there. And in that moment, I felt and knew that she was. That regardless of the human perception of body and earth, she was with me.
My grief and pain disappeared and I have felt her many times since then.
“O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory?.” 1 Corinthians 15:55
At peace finally! The pain went away and I got the answers I was seeking.
I was now filled with gratitude for things in my life that were not possible before: A closer connection with my dad, new friendships, opportunities, and spiritual insights I couldn’t comprehend before. Especially, the ability to use this experience to help guide others dealing with grief as I built my Christian Science practice.
I now have a connection to my mother in a new and spiritual way. A deeper understanding of God, divine Love that is ever present whenever and wherever it’s needed. I learned that even when faced with big difficulties, God never gives up. He may have to yell at you to get your attention, but know, He is always there. Yes…You can heal grief. Because through it all, God is loving you right now.
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